I have exactly 5 and 1/2 days from right now of maternity leave left. I go back to work on Monday the 28th, and I am beyond heart broken. I am amazed and in awe and completely changed by the amazing gift that Kevin and I were given 7 weeks and 3 days ago. It is truly amazing that so much excitement, worry, LOVE, amazement and awe came delivered in that little 7 pound, 20 inch package. Who would have ever guessed that you could LOVE someone THAT much? I have heard it said hundreds of times that you never know LOVE until you have a child, and now I can see why they say that, they say it because it is true. Never before have I felt this way about anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I love my parents, I love my little brothers and sisters... but never before have I felt the LOVE that I feel for my child.
A year ago, if someone would have granted me 3 wishes I would have wished for the selfish things... things like a big house, a nice car, money etc. etc. etc. If someone were to come up to me today and give me 3 wishes they would be completely different and I know exactly what they would be:
1. SOMEWHERE to call home. I have discovered lately that although I would love to own a home, and wish that we did, it is not where you live that matters.
2. Good Health. I would wish for the good health of all the people that I love. I think that I have always taken the health of not only myself, but the health of my loved ones for granted. Being blessed with a healthy baby has totally opened my eyes to all of the things that could have gone wrong and I will never again take my health or the health of those that I love for granted, because good health is truly a blessing.
3. I would wish to be able to stay home with my baby and not have to work. I don't care if we had millions of dollars, I just wish that we were able to get by on one income. Before and all through my pregnancy I thought I would be okay with going back to work, I knew that it was something that I would have to do, I know that I am the one that carries the insurance for our family and that we would have to move if I did not work. But the thought of leaving him is driving me INSANE! I am the MOM, I am the one who gave birth to him. I am the one who would not let the nurses take him to the nursery because I did not want to be away from him. I am the one who woke up that night in the hospital that he was choking. I am the one who wakes up in the middle of the night when he cries because he is hungry. I am the one that knows the difference between a hungry cry and a tired cry. I am the first person that he spit up on. I am the one that figured out that he was tongue tied. I am the one that figured out that he had reflux and took him to the doctor. I am the one that changes his clothes or jammies, or the sheets on my bed when he spits up all over them because of the reflux. I am the first person that he smiled a REAL smile at. I am the first person that he gooed at. I am the one that figured out that he loves showers and hates baths. I am the one that changes his diapers. I am the one that washes his clothes. And I am the one that can't handle the fact that by having to go back to work I might miss a smile, I might miss a clothes change, I can't even handle the fact that I might miss a poopy diaper. I can't handle the fact that I will miss a moment of this sweet little boy's life. I know that I am not the first working mom in the world. I know that he will be taken care of by people who love him, and I know that he will be taken care of very well, and I know that most days he will be taken care of here in our home that is 30 seconds away from me, but none of that matter to me (even though it should!) because NO ONE LOVES him like I do.
I would love to be granted 3 wishes, but if I could only be granted 1 wish, it would not be a hard decision to pick 1 of the 3.